There is no end to this journey. I will always be adopted and there will always be healing work to do. But the only place to do that work is standing fully in my truth, in the sun, exposed. In the adoptee fog, I did not know what I did not know. Facing reality was hard and sometimes painful, but it was the only way out of the fog and into the warmth.

In “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times”, Pema Chodron describes three kinds of awakenings: awakening from a dream of ordinary sleep, awakening at death from the dream of life and awakening into full enlightenment from the dream of delusion. I think coming out of the adoptee fog is equal to this third awakening. Chodron says if we continue to run away from our demons, we try to escape them by acting out instead of spending time looking at those demons and healing them. Until I realized the trauma of adoption, I stuffed these feelings down, ignoring them, thinking they did not affect me. Coming out of the adoptee fog was awakening from the dream of delusion created by the veil of the happy adoption narrative.

Finding out I could heal myself was empowering. Being adopted and the trauma that comes with it were not my fault. I was thankful for the knowledge because I finally knew what I was fighting. If I had stayed in the fog, I would still be confused by the pain and unnamed emotions and feelings.

The knowledge of adoption and relinquishment trauma allowed me to see the wounds and fix them. The scars will remain, but they are reminders of strength in overcoming. My goal is to make as many wounds into scars as possible. Moving forward I will have to recognize my emotions and reactions, check in with myself about what healing work is needed and practice expressing my “just right” responses.

Standing in my truth and completely being able to express my authenticity is the only place the healing work can happen. I want my honesty to attract others who support living vulnerably as a way to heal and grow. I am reminded of the Ugly Duckling. At the end of his story, he is basking in the warm, cheering sun realizing what it means to be happy because he had grown into the being he always was and was meant to be.

It is ironic that I am writing this on a foggy, rainy day. I cannot see the sun or the hills out my window. But I know the light is there, shining above the clouds, just like the truth inside of me. My authentic self has made herself known and I cannot ignore her. This is me standing in the light, I hope to give you ideas of how to unlock your own path to healing. We all must stand in the sun, unequivocally declaring our truths because that is the only way forward, to claim and live our most authentic lives.