Gaslighting – Merriam-Webster Dictionary Word of the Year 2022

Gaslighting has become a very popular term recently. People can be gaslit in romantic relationships, friendships or by family members. But I’ve never heard a group of people talk about experiencing gaslighting more than adopted people. The gaslighting we experience comes at the hands of family members but also society in general, the adoption industry and strangers.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary chose gaslighting as its word of the year for 2022. It defines gaslighting as “noun : psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator”. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting and https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/word-of-the-year

The lived experience of adoptees is continually discounted and not believed. We are raised in a society that sees adoption as a wonderful, unicorn and rainbows experience. When we express feelings that are contrary to that myth, like feelings of shame, guilt, confusion or being misunderstood or feeling alone, people who do not have our lived experience are quick to respond with gaslighting phrases. Here are just a few:

You had a good life, why would you want to search for biological family.  

You are so lucky.

How do your adoptive parents feel about what you’re saying about adoption?

After all your adoptive parents have done for you…

You are just angry.

You are ungrateful.

You’re going to hurt your adoptive parents.

Would you rather have been aborted?

Be grateful you weren’t aborted.

You were chosen.

It takes a lot of emotional labor for adopted people to speak up outside of our community. We want society to understand there is pain, grief and loss in adoption. We lost our mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and heritage. We deal with laws that keep us from receiving our documents – that continually infantilize us. We sometimes have to take commercial DNA tests to find family. If we are lucky enough to receive our documents, we can’t trust the information we receive is accurate. Social workers, adoption agencies, doctors, biological parents and adoptive parents lie about the circumstances of our adoption.

If you are not an adopted person, you need to be quiet and listen to the lived experience of those of us who are.

If you’re an adopted person, please speak up and use your voice – gaslighting be damned. Your truth is the antidote.