Narcissistic Behavior
I’ll never forget the first time I read the word narcissism and its definition. I was in therapy for the first time, reading as many books as possible, trying to make sense of what it meant to be adopted and the relationship with my adoptive family. I was lying in bed reading and I sat straight up. I had never heard the word narcissism before, but I recognized the tactics and characteristics immediately – not just with adoptive family but with others in my life as well. And it all made sense. I remember reading the passage to my husband saying “this is it”. None of the people I applied this definition to had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, but a person does not need a diagnosis to have a narcissistic pattern of behavior.
It would take years to figure out there is no negotiating or rationalizing with a person who exhibits this type of behavior. I tried being honest about feelings only to have them used against me. I wrote letters to provide all the information in a logical manner and received even longer letters denying or attacking everything I said in return. I addressed issues and was told I was the problem. After confronting issues, behavior would worsen towards myself and my immediate family.
Not every person exhibits all the traits of narcissism, for me there were four consistent behaviors – gaslighting, being accused of the very thing I was confronting them with – they played the victim, being treated differently in private than in public and they would focus more on my boundaries instead of their disrespect. Not once have I ever been validated by anyone exhibiting narcissistic behavior.
Once I knew what narcissism was, I thought I could fix it with logic and straightforward communication. Little did I know it was only feeding the toxic behavior. Every time I knew an interaction was coming, my body would tense and I would be defensive before I even got there. It was exhausting.
Twelve years after first learning about narcissism, I realized nothing had changed in these relationships and found resources about the most effective ways to deal with narcissistic people. A person who participates in this type of toxic behavior will never see or admit to fault and trying to make them or catch them with the truth is crazy making. The only healthy way to deal with someone showing a pattern of narcissistic behavior is to have no contact. It removes the drama, built up resentment and allows you to move forward with healing. Over the past 3 years, I have set boundaries and reduced interaction as much as possible, including full estrangement from adoptive family, and my life has never been calmer. My internal systems have relaxed.
Today, there are hundreds of resources on narcissism. If you are new to the idea, understand there are multiple types of narcissism – some more subtle than others, making it harder to identify.
After listening to over 300 episodes of adoptee podcast interviews, I see narcissism is a common theme in our stories. If you have this lived experience as an adoptee, I hope you can take solace that you are not alone and that you are allowed to have emotional freedom from this behavior.
I’ve been collecting quotes about narcissism and have too many to share, but will leave you with these two about trauma survival from Nate Postlethwait – “People who traumatize you do not hold the keys to your healing. Please stop going back.” And “If you are a trauma survivor, it’s likely you need this reminder: You owe people much less than you think you do.”
Much adoptee love to you!
Lora