“No one will ever love you the way I do.”

The first time I heard a version of this saying was in the movie Stepmom. It comes near the end when the mother is dying and having special moments with each of her kids. It put words to the void I’d been looking across my whole life.

I’ve heard some people disagree with this sentiment and that’s fine, but my lived experience tells me it’s true. I have never experienced a truly attuned mother’s love – I have never felt fully known by anyone. Growing up I searched for it in others – teachers, boyfriends, friends’ parents – anyone who showed an interest in me.

I looked across the void of motherlessness at my friends to see how their mothers loved them, longing to step in and receive the same affection. I never wanted my children to feel this void, so, when they were born and I was overwhelmed with emotion, love and devotion, I felt fully what I had been missing and what they needed.

No one can love you the way an attuned mother does.  

For most of my youth I thought I wouldn’t have children. I didn’t want anything to happen to me, leaving them to be raised by someone else. The immense pressure I felt to be everything I knew was missing in my life drove me to be the “perfect” mom. I thought that pressure would ease as they grew closer to adulthood, but it hasn’t. As both of my children are solidly in their teens, I feel even more pressure to stay alive for them. I’ve seen how other family members do not “get” them and could not possibly validate them the way I do. Their growth and maturity only bring into sharper focus the need to be known and validated in this world.

I thought I had dealt with everything for my adoption journey when this snuck up on me over the winter. Something I had considered before having children, but I had put away since they were born. There is always work to be done but the only way is through, with honesty and vulnerability.

In Tish Melton’s song “We Can Do Hard Things” there is a line, “to be loved, we need to be known.” That is the sentiment behind “no one will ever love you the way I do” and I can say for me, at least, that is painfully true. At whatever point I leave the earth, I hope I’ve poured enough into my children to give them a solid foundation of feeling loved, validated and known.