Real Time Adoption Healing

So much of my adoption healing work has been done by looking in the past at memories, experiences and feelings. I go back to that time or age and work on healing the wounds.

This past week however, I had a real time response to a present-day situation. Luckily, I was able to speak with my therapist who is an adoptee and adoption competent. I emphasize this because if my therapist had not been adoption competent, chances are healing would not have happened and my anguish could possibly have been made worse.

We as a family are dealing with a situation with our son. Even though the decisions we are making are clear, I was finding it incredibly difficult to move through them without incredible grief and probably the closest thing I have ever experienced to depression. I cried for a solid 48 hours - I’m talking primal sounding cries where I couldn’t speak or breath. I would burst into tears at the most random times and places. And each time the dominate feeling was that I was abandoning my son.

Logically I know this is not true, I kept telling myself, this decision is necessary, it is not permanent, I will still be his mom all the way through this and on the other side. He is my biological child. He is not feeling abandoned. This was all me and I could not figure out why my logical brain could not convince the rest of me that I was indeed doing the opposite of abandoning him.

I explained this illogical response to my therapist. Her answer calmed me immediately. She suggested that the younger Lora in me who WAS abandoned was quite activated by the situation and was crying out. Of course she was. This was my opportunity to reassure her, reparent her and ultimately heal this still wounded part.

After my conversation with my therapist, I was able to pull it together and stop crying all the time.  Even though the situation is difficult, and I am still sad and upset, my emotions are now appropriate to the circumstances. Because my emotions are coming from a more regulated place, I can stop projecting my issues on to my son. An important step to keep from passing my trauma down to him.  

It feels like I have done so much work, there should not be much left to do. But clearly the implications of adoption are far reaching, and you never know when a wound will be activated. Now that I am aware of adoption trauma and I have an informed therapist, I can heal quicker and keep this trauma from infecting the people I love.

PS This situation with my son is also why there have been fewer blog posts and social media posts. I’m not abandoning you either. I just need to focus on him for a while. I’m still here and will be engaging more as this is resolved.