Adoption is not the answer to Abortion

As a pro-choice woman, last week’s events in the Supreme Court are more than concerning. Amy Coney Barrett’s comments during the case to overturn Roe show just how little is understood about relinquishment and adoption trauma, especially from an adoptive mother’s perspective. As I write this, I am realizing the conflict of interest she has in this case since she has two adoptive children (other judges are also adoptive parents, but she is the one who is suggesting it as an alternative to abortion).

Let’s be clear from the beginning - women are not choosing between abortion and adoption. Gretchen Sisson, a sociologist at University of California, San Francisco, who has studied whether the option to put a child up for adoption alleviates the need for a woman to get an abortion, said in an interview with NPR this week, “But we do not see that most women are choosing between abortion and adoption. Most women who are considering or pursuing adoption have already ruled out or have never really considered having an abortion.”

Adoption and abortion are often reduced to simplistic decisions. If you want to compare the choices, it might seem like adoption is the better choice. But for me, the short answer is unequivocally no, it is not. I would even argue abortion is the more humane option. Adoption does not mean a better life, it means a different life. Adoptees have lifelong trauma from the separation from their biological mothers. Experiencing the worst loss anyone can experience the moment you are born does not translate into a better life. It means a life of not fitting in, of feeling unwanted, of protecting everyone else’s feelings and emotions except your own. Adoption means not knowing your truth, losing who you were meant to be. Adoption severs biological ties and mirrors that are so grounding and vital to our growth, healing and success. Whenever I hear a story about a baby being adopted, I feel complete sadness for that baby and wonder how they are going to manage in this life. I see them floating away unsupported into the arms of unknowing people who are just happy to have a baby. For all these reasons and my own experience, I see adoption itself as emotional abuse because every adopted baby has at least one thing in common – they have lost the most important person in their world and no one can replace her.

I was born in 1979 when legal abortion was an option for my biological mother. Before I had my children, I worked for Planned Parenthood. I stand firmly on the side of women’s rights and I am strongly pro-choice. I am also a fierce believer in family preservation and supporting a woman’s choice to keep her own baby. Being an adoptee and having two children who are biological to me, only reinforces both of these core beliefs.

If you were to ask me if I would rather have been aborted, here is what I would say. If my biological mother had chosen abortion, I would not know. My husband would have a different wife, my friends would have different friends, my adoptive parents would have gotten the next baby in line, my kids would not be here, but no one would be the wiser. And I would have avoided the life of pain and trauma that adoption brings. As it were, my mother did not even consider abortion, she tried everything she could to keep me. So, if I could change anything, I would want her to have the support she needed to parent me.

We are at a cross roads in history and we must not allow adoption and abortion to be conflated. We need to keep abortion legal and safe for women and not force women to carry unwanted pregnancies for the fulfillment of others. Period.